A reckoning

Some recent events have caused me to take stock of my own self-built walls and their effect on those around me that I care about.

A convenient place to start would be the dark, depressive space that I got into after the death of an ex. Death, grief and loss has a way of amplifying the importance of somebody in your life and the inevitable questions started popping up. Things like whether I did enough for her when we were together, why good people often die first, and even the slightly self-centred "Why do people I care about often die so young?" question reared its ugly head.

Perhaps the kind of space I got into was easily explained by past grief and experiences, experiences of feeling responsible for the death of someone and so much resolved grief over the suicide of a friend. And much more other losses. But a week spent in the company of a past colleague, let's call her Fiona, helped me see a light.

Fiona and I were colleagues in a previous job. We were literally close to being on opposite ends of the country but on the occasions that we collaborated and swapped ideas, we made an instant connection in the sense that, work-wise, we were like twins. Both of us were insanely driven, task-focussed, efficient and had literally no concern for hours worked. We just got things done at all costs and became the "go to" people for the most ridiculously difficult tasks. But never was I ever aware of nor did I have any kind of that mindful awareness of the wonderful personal qualities that she had beyond her work capabilities.

We moved on from our jobs and for a number of years since we hardly kept in touch but for some random online contact. This was until Fiona popped up in Auckland temporarily and we started hanging out over the last little while. Won't bore anyone with any personal details but it suffices to say that she gave me perhaps the best gift ever: a truer understanding and acceptance of myself and the awareness of the need to value those around me.

Normally I would be most uncomfortable with the kind of emotional, sexual, and physical intensity we experienced but Fiona convinced me to "let go" instead of trying to resolve and lay out every bit of our respective past and expectations in the future. We'll both move on with our respective lives and perhaps never again will we experience the intensity felt over those few days. But I'll treasure the time we spent together forever -- mostly because it was just right and it was one of those rare moments in my life where I went with my heart instead of analysing something to death and then deciding to do it.

And thanks to valued friends and others who have long tolerated me

And I can't end this post without thanking people like Erin, L (my two most treasured current/ex-WL friends) who in their own firm ways (however hard it was initially) forced me to confront a few issues and change. I can't really go into this any more (perhaps Erin will choose to blog about her side of the story) but all I can say is that I am learning --albeit slowly. The most significant woman in my life is delighted that I no longer feel obligated to do everything in the house, rush to see how she is on a long return trip the moment she has the slightest work-related mishap, or feel obligated to check on friends with problems all the time. In other words, for the first time in a long time, I am feeling genuinely relaxed and enjoying the world.

Thanks largely to so many of these people..... to whom I am forever grateful