To answer both questions: the answer to the first is a definite "no" and the answer to the second is "it's a complicated issue". I will explore the emotional, personal, and psychological issues relating to the second issue in a future post but for now I want to discuss some of these issues and various ethical considerations inherent within question one.
Yes those chemical reactions in the head are real but it's up to you to remain planted in reality
I personally have no time of the day (barring any significant psychological, emotional or psychiatric impairment(s) that ought to be professionally addressed) for people that permit the surges of "happy chemicals" (e.g. dopamine) that arise out of sexual attraction/passion to overwhelm their rationality and judgement. This is not to say that this chemistry isn't very powerful.
Two of my top 3 sexual encounters of all time (speaking in terms of pure sexual satisfaction) involved "casual" encounters whilst I was in this relationship and one of those two involved sex with an escort. This experience was so powerful, so new, and the momentary connectedness that was such that I couldn't but think about it and the WL for days on end.
But there was truly no desire to spend ridiculous sums of money to replicate that experience over and over. Why not? Simply put, I realised that there was a person at home who sacrificed much for me, with whom I shared so much joint experiences, "ups and downs", and whom I loved in a profound and serious way that for whom little (and certainly not any momentary attraction arising out of a great bonk) in this world was good enough for me to want to abandon or hurt her.
Respecting the boundaries and what was consented to when a couple agrees to a non-monogamous sexual relationship
There's a prevailing and ignorant view that non-monogamous sexual relationships are licenses for participants to simply do as they please. IMO, this is wrong. Couples often choose this route because they wish to enhance their relationship by allowing each other to "play around" within set boundaries to alleviate problems of staleness, to address the simple reality that one partner may have higher sexual desires than the other, and/or (heavens forbid) the recognition that sometimes even if everything else is perfect between the couple, their sexual chemistry just isn't that great.
In other words, sex isn't everything and what matters to them is respecting each other's needs and their relationship. If that is right, anyone who pursues their sexual desires with an escort (or any other casual) within an open relationship in such unhealthy ways have arguably gone beyond what was agreed to by the partners. People who break promises aren't generally well thought of and for good reason. No trust = impossible to maintain a fruitful and trusting non-monogamous relationship.
To sum up, good/great sex is but one small facet of life. Please don't lose your head over it, especially when you've got a great, loving relationship going where your partner has the trust in you and emotional fortitude necessary to let you play around. These people aren't dime-a-dozen.
Some Sunday morning random thoughts:
ReplyDeleteLike you my answer is yes & no with yes being the majority when you let one of the many factors involved get out of control or balance.
For me I sought companionship and emotional intimacy as much as sex which can put you on the edge of the danger zone when it comes to professional sex.
I also find that I have a reasonably low boredom threshold when it comes to sex. When there is only the physical act with no real emotional & intellectual connection to excite all the senses I find myself shutting off very quickly.
I've often posted that I gave up punting because I found my body clock became tuned to sex being a two or so hour event & found myself one day starting to get out of bed & head for the shower because "time was up". Not good.
But the second and possibly more powerful reason was I found myself on a quest to find a replacement for the special people I had met and spent time with in the past who captivated my mind as much as my body. Yes I spent a lot of money on that time but could so the real issue was that if I continued on the quest it would result in once again being drawn to a situation where the connection was controlled by time boundaries and most importantly professional ones meaning that absolute fulfilment and what I inwardly desired was never going to happen.
So I stopped. Well mostly - just every so often I have a punt when a situation or provider tempts me but it's rare and so far one-off encounters.
As you commented understanding and remaining connected to the reality of the situation is the biggest challenge for most of us, the sex industry curtain of illusion can trap us in the most delicious ways and your grasp on reality is often the first sense that is numbed.
And yes, it is complicated ! I've never had a relationship like yours, the closest was a brief poly situation with one women who shared her life and time with three men. It was interesting to observe the varying levels of honesty and acceptance amongst the parties. For me it was over fairly quickly for several complicated reasons !
I also totally agree with the common approach to non-monogamous relationships. It takes special emotional depth and strength to participate I such situations.
I openly remain a relationship free zone but when I am with someone it is a strong connection with respect and dignity, the moving on sometimes gets messy especially when kindness & compassion is mistaken for relationship material.
The level of honesty, openness & trust in healthy and successful non-monogamous situations I have been involved in or have observed is often way beyond many monogamous ones. I will however admit to getting it very wrong mainly when the communication is sub standard !
Keep posting Curiosity - yours is a very valuable blog.
+1 in regards to the last paragraph of Curiousity's post.
ReplyDeleteIt took me decades of rubbish relationships to finally find that perfect person-and it's exactly as you've described.
We both know we have each other's backs. The trust is absolute. Sex matters none