The importance of friends
This thread started by Yana on Adult Forums is, in my view, one of the most valuable recent contributions on that forum. Yana's first post discussed the physiological and psychological realities and dangers of relationships that are fuelled solely by initial sexual chemistry. The various responses, including one by yours truly, are (I'd say that, wouldn't I) also worth reading.
Thinking about the psychological, emotional, financial and other practical implications of excessive dependence, co-dependence, and other-validation etc in relationships has caused me to conjecture (based on personal observations and general life experience) that many of these people in reality lack good friends and/or fail to appreciate the importance of friendships. Let me explain.
Typical characteristics of these "problem" individuals
In my observations, many of these individuals are genuinely wonderful people. In fact, in many instances they tend to be "better" people than the non-problem types. They tend to be extremely open to others' viewpoints, they are genuine, they give a lot of themselves, and often have a large collection of acquaintances
But perhaps they simply are too good, give too much of themselves, leave themselves too open, and sometimes aren't able to find or appreciate the important middle-ground of great friendships.
Why friendships matter
It might seem crazy to try and have an exposition on this issue but clearly some people (including the type of person I am writing about here) might genuinely struggle to understand this, so let's give it a go.
- Providing a safe, "disinterested", and possibly more objective viewpoint on important issues - In Yana's thread I talked about how people's judgment often become clouded through simply seeing everything from their partner's viewpoint; a more dangerous phenomenon is what I'd describe as "mindless reinforcement" where partners simply agree with each other because the idea came from the other's mouth. A good friend (emphasis on a real, proper definition of a friend) who's adequately informed might be a far better person to ask about whether it's a good idea for a couple to buy into X franchise than for one partner to solely focus on the other's viewpoint when the latter's certainty that this is a good idea is partly based on his life-long obsession with running a cafe, which is what X does.
- Real friends will stick together - the odds that any long term relationship will last (especially for younger people) are not great. Certainly not great enough for anyone to just emotionally invest solely in their relationship and literally abandon (or largely abandon) previous circles of friends or even, heavens forbid, family. Often when a relationship is over, even with the best will of both parties in terms of wanting to stay friends, the unspoken hurt feelings of the past, jealous future partners, and people's lives moving apart often mean that finding time and space for an ex can be hard. If anyone has been unhealthily reliant on an ex, you have troubles coming. On the other hand, if you spend time cultivating and maintaining a reasonably broad (but not meaninglessly broad) circle of friends, your chances of a permanent, intact support network is much greater.
- You might be genuinely surprised by the insights and wisdom that your friends can impart upon your life - many people's friends tend to be a bit more different from themselves than their partners are. If "knowledge of the crowds" and a diversity of knowledge counts for something meaningful (and I'd like to say they do, especially if used wisely), anyone who doesn't make use of this is a fool.
Aside from the above factors, the simple facts of maintaining a bit of personal space from your partner, not wanting (I hope) to become the Siamese twin of your partner, and the desire to enjoy a bit of the different flavours of life should lead people to take their friendships/friends more seriously. If you are (or know anyone) in a relationship where the person or their partner are under-realising, devaluing or even undermining important friendships, please do something about it.
Bulls eye! I can't agree more.
ReplyDeleteI had an ex whom always fell into the same pattern: she'd meet someone new, sexual "fireworks" would start, she'd post obsessively on her FB ALL about it (way more information than people needed or wanted) and would abandon all her friends (would not reply to text,phone calls,emails,etc)because her whole world would evolve around her new love. Inevitably, time and time again, those relationships would end up in explosion of shit (often very public, thanks to FB). And THEN she would want her friend's support: emotional and sometimes (as was in my case) financial-she was dead broke and her ex-girlfriend literally kicked her out of the house and changed the locks. After several such "relationships" she'd lost most of her friends. Her and I had a "dut-up", but worked things out in terms of being friends, yet, I never hear from her unless I make a huge effort (several texts,emails,etc). So just like the rest, I gave up on her. Sad,really- she is a really talented Chef in her own right and we have a lot in common. But such as life
Interesting comments and I definitely appreciate them :)
ReplyDeleteI do have one question for you, do your friend and others who fit into this pattern seem to you to be generally chaotic and often struggling to manage some of the basic mechanics of leading an organised life? In addition, do you find her/them to sometimes being prone to (unwittingly mostly) inconsideration towards the feelings of family and friends?
I ask because it's been my observation that a lot of these "problem" individuals have exactly these characteristics and often they claim that their partners are understanding or just more tolerant or better able to cope with them, at least in the initial "love heavy" stages. This is very heavy on conjecture or even psychobabble but it does concern me how a lot of times these people fall into relationships because they simply aren't willing to explore coping strategies or self-improvement necessary to be with others who might be less willing to tolerate some of these characteristics.
If I am right then it seems that instead of these relationships improving the people concerned, they may actually reinforce some of their charcter flaws or intrinsic weaknesses.
Again, you nailed it!Yes these people seem to unable to manage/organise their life/work affairs (hence my ex's constant "broke" state of finances,despite holding a highest-paid Chef job in NZ once AND inheriting significant amount of money at at one stage where all her debts were wiped off). And, yes, they are inconsiderate of the feelings of others, yet when one points it out to them, they are genuinely surprised-apparently it never occurred to them.
ReplyDeleteThey go from one relationship to another because it provides a "crutch" for a time and then when "chemical lust" stagte wears off, it all goes to pieces and they are in search of the next "One".. They are unwilling to have a long hard look inside themselves, yet alone take constructive steps in self-improvement
Thanks for the thoughts once again.
DeleteTo be honest, I long suspected that my conjecture on these individuals had at least some basis in reality and it looks like I am not totally talking c**p (unusual for me - haha). The very idea of people entering into relationships being a potentially dangerous and unhelpful thing seems so scary but for these problem types, I am afraid unless they deal with their own issues, they will forever be wrecking balls of their own and others' emotions.