Is that all it's worth?
Apologies for the lack of posts recently but in between enormous amounts of work and the beginnings of hopefully a good relationship (I will try and talk about it within the framework of this blog at some point), I have also been dealing with the almost certain end of a friendship, at least a friendship that I valued (and perhaps still value).
My friendship with M started in a most unusual way and developed rapidly into a good friendship quickly. However, I soon learnt that she was emotionally troubled and had quite serious emotional/mental health issues. Myself and another friend of hers had on multiple occasions been "just in time" to rescue her from serious harm or worse.
M functions highly normally on the surface and has achieved very good things in her studies. However, whether because of her actual issues or a tendency to use her issues as a crutch to explain her general inability to handle the basics of life, e.g. making time for friends, responding to concerned phone calls or texts, or just generally expressing any kind of degree of awareness that others care about her, she simply drives most of her friends and family nuts.
Unfortunately, after 2 years of generally taking 10 attempts to arrange a coffee meeting, generally flippant/disinterested replies to expressions of concern and care by myself and the other friend, and another whole litany of things, both the other friend and myself are walking away. What puzzles and saddens us throughout the last two years is that we have tried (the other friend is a doctor who rotated in a psych unit earlier in that person's career) with absolutely no luck to convince some of the people caring for M's mental/emotional health that she needed counselling and other assistance in terms of understanding the damage her behaviour is doing to her friends and family, in addition to severing her few real friendships. Their responses were more or less always to the effect that at least she wasn't killing or harming herself and we should just be happy. Apparently, it's no big deal that a person is absolutely destroying her social and other potential.
The other friend and myself have at times resorted to outright begging just to convince her to show up at some social event just so we can know that she's well. When she's functioning as a real friend and being considerate towards others, I have known few other people that I'd rather be around. Unfortunately, I truly don't have the head space to do what's been going on in the last 2 years any more. Although M and I only live about 10 KMs apart, I feel like I no longer know her and wonder if all the good things in the past were just a mirage.
Am I being too harsh and am I giving up too early/easily?
My opinion is that you've tried a lot harder than the average person & turning guilt on yourself is neither justified or helpful.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just have to walk away, when there's that level of denial they simply have to be left to crash & burn, if they find themselves in the gutter of life they are the only ones who can choose between staying there or reaching out for help & change in their life.
I know all to well how hard it is, there have been people in my life who have come close to being like the friend you describe & cutting myself loose from the hopeless situation was hard enough. Having someone very close to me who is in absolute denial of a number of issues in her life that constantly invade and weigh on my life whom I have yet to find the strength to walk away from is often emotionally crippling.
Move on even though for quite some time you'll keep looking over your shoulder, some things are beyond your ability to change or fix because the only solution lies within the other person.