So just why did I f**k around?

"So isn't she enough?"

As previously mentioned, my first exposure to the adult industry (as a client) and other "casual" sex* within the confines of a committed relationship began soon after I started a previous long term relationship. My ex and I jointly agree that we would explore ourselves sexually with others within our set boundaries (I will take about these boundaries in another post).

Few of my friends knew about my "sexual situation". The few that I either trusted enough to disclose or found out one way or another delivered reactions situated somewhere along the continuum of "Dude, you must need lots of pussy/you lucky SOB", "How can you guys do this if you are serious with each other?", or a kind of morbid rubber necking-esque reaction where they appeared to eagerly await the airing of whatever drama our seemingly "oddball" choice would create. The reality of why I pursued casual sex (as opposed to why we jointly decided on an open relationship) was, however, rather more straightforward and arguably far less dramatic. Three things motivated me.

1. To alleviate general boredom in life/to add some "spice";
2. To explore and enjoy the kind of healthy, special intense feelings that are created by particularly special casual encounters, with such feelings left solely within the confines of the sexual exploration; and
3. To express and enjoy mutually intense feelings of appreciation etc for certain special people in my "real life" that are open to exploring themselves sexually with me within the confines of my "sexual situation".

Let me explore these in a bit of detail.

Oh some extra spice please

With apologies to 90% of WLs and other ladies that I've been with casually, the reality of how we ever hooked up was (partially at least) driven by the fact that I was just a bit bored. Like how people get bored and seek out music, I sought out intimate acts with you. This is not to say that I didn't appreciate you spending time with me, that we didn't behave decently to one another, or that your company wasn't (most of the time anyway) reasonably fine and enjoyable. If I somehow made your day better than how I remembered it for myself, then I am genuinely grateful for your feeling so.

However, with all due respect, encounters within this category are not what I really remember or treasure to any great degree, even within the lower extremes of this continuum.

Those nice, healthy intense feelings

I've argued here and here that one can have healthy, intense feelings arising out of casual encounters. In those very rare cases where I have genuinely had an intense, real (at least within the confines of such encounters), and unusual physical and emotional connection with either a WL or hookup, I (especially with a now more evolved attitude towards such feelings) am not afraid to admit that wanting to recapture those special feelings did motivate me to "re-punt" or have further encounters with such persons. The kinds of feelings I am talking about include (for example) having my intimate concerns listened to, the glow of an intense appreciation for a lady that has opened up my sexual "mind", and so forth.

I like and care a lot about you, my dear friend. Let's.....

I was fortunate that a couple of close friends were willing to share themselves with me in a most intimate way and for this to be done within a framework of not undermining but enhancing our friendships and also my (then) committed relationship. I then and still do dearly love, treasure, admire, and respect them.

Obviously we "hooked up" because we enjoyed getting it on with each other but more important to me was how doing so was the most intense, personal, and least inhibited way to show how we  valued one another. Those that have met me will know that I am far likelier to be able to express intense personal feelings this way than trying to verbalise them.

Conclusion

So there it is, whilst I (like just about most others) also pursued casual sex for more tangential reasons like exploring new techniques, trying things with people who are less in a position to judge any "failures", and so forth, the above were my main motivations. Contrary to popular myths, I didn't pursue sex outside of a committed relationship because I couldn't commit, that I was a sex addict (I probably had less sex per year than most men in a heterosexual relationship), or that I have some terrible void to fill. In future postings I will explore and debunk some of these myths.


* defined here to mean sex that occurs outside of my then committed, exclusive (exclusive in the sense that we both saw the other as our only true life partner) relationship