Samantha
In my last post I discussed the headline issue and drew a distinction between what I argued to be healthy, virtuous feelings of appreciation etc towards the provider that are "confined to the moment" as opposed to unwise, unrequited feelings of wanting long term arrangements and relationships beyond what the parties had agreed.
Let me give some concrete context with a real life experience. Samantha (not her real or former working name) is a friend who formerly worked in the industry. About 2 months (and 3 coffee/casual meetings after we first met as friends and at that point we barely knew much about each other) we had an essentially commercial encounter and there were some strong feelings felt (in particular by myself and also to an extent by her) and I didn't go crazy, didn't become a stalker, didn't want her as my girlfriend etc. By our mutual analysis, we might have become better friends as a result.
What happened
Over coffee Samantha revealed that she in fact worked in the industry and was bemoaning her misfortune of being short of money at the time. She was close to defaulting on some important financial obligations. I offered to give her some money (mid three figures) to get through and basically there was about 40 minutes worth of loggerheads between us about whether it was right for her to accept my money. Then she threw the "Do you use escorts?" question out there. At that time she didn't know that I did and I wasn't that open-minded about revealing the truth as I would be now, so I lied with my answer. Sam caught my lie and gave me the option of either accepting a booking with her or drawing up an acknowledgement of debt - she would not accept my help without at least one although at the time I genuinely was okay with just giving her the money. I chose a booking.How it felt (for me)
The booking went amazingly. She was a couple of notches above most WLs I had seen at the time in terms of beauty and her open, responsive sexuality (and she would be a few notches above most women in that regard). For what was essentially a commercial transaction, she did "make my world move" (so to speak) and my head was flushed with feelings of "That was amazing.", "What a woman!", "If only..." etc afterwards. She laid down ground rules that the sex was to be detached and that she would end our contact as friends if I pushed for anything further in an unwelcome way.To be fair to her and to keep my own head sane, I avoided contact with her for a couple of weeks.
Fast forward a few years and what we've learnt
Today we are great friends. She's moved on from the industry and we have both had (failed) relationships but had never wanted to advance things beyond being very close platonic friends. We've never slept with each other again either. In a recent "talk over" of our encounter, we learnt and revealed to each other that I had at that time the feelings I described above for her, she also felt somewhat warm and fuzzy about our encounter because unlike some of her then clients I was considerate and more responsive to her desires, and that we both have had moments where we wondered whether it might happen again. The thing we agreed on the most was how the encounter made our platonic friendship stronger because (I in particular) had proven that despite the strong feelings (confined largely to the encounter itself), we can truly manage as friends. It was "road-proven".
Knowing each other, I have no reason to believe that our sum up was anything but real. What I think can be concluded from our experience is that like any kind of "intense" sexual encounter the potential for misdirected and unwelcome subsequent attention is always there. But the vast majority of workers and clients (like the vast majority of hookups) get it on without going crazy for one another later. Many people will describe certain emotions and responses from hookups fondly but when things get commercial and people do the same, sometimes there is an automatic assumption/verdict that a terrible line has been crossed. Is that really so?
I am not saying that Sam and my story is 100% analogous with most commercial encounters or that everyone can be as clinical as us. But it's food for thought.
As you have discovered yes it happens because we're all human but the probability of it developing into any form of relationship is even lower than so called "normal" life.
ReplyDeleteWhen it happens honesty and openness are the essential elements and the willingness to let go & move on if it isn't going to go anywhere.
There is a downside to such discussions however - the idiot punters who seek love from the sex industry.
I was not in a situation where it could go anywhere when professional became very personal and in each occasion, in a couple of situations that worked out well, in another it became somewhat fraught - just like so called normal relationships.
It happens, we're all human after all and while we might approach the sex industry as a professional service it is possible that a regular encounter turns to more although not as often and easily as many seem to think.
ReplyDeleteHonesty & openness are the important things, the first couple of times it happened with me I was very open that I was not in a position to take the situation any further, one turned into a long term friendship where fairly quickly sex was off the menu, the other lasted a while until it was best to stop seeing each other.
The ones who create the most havoc (mostly for themselves) who approach the sex industry in a quest for love & personal relationships. Crazy stuff.
Great insight as always, Voyager. My own view is basically the same as yours - anyone who goes out of their way to look for love and friendship from the industry is playing very long and dangerous odds.
ReplyDeleteI have only ever made two friends from the industry (and I am using friends in its more traditional meaning and not as a substitute for acquaintance and certainly not referring to something as vapid as a Facebook "friendship"). Sam was a friend prior to our industry "contact" and the other person I met from the outset as a client.
The challenges and rewards have both been (and will potentially be)pretty significant. I don't personally enter friendships easily so to feel an intense concern for these two wasn't easy to handle at first but fortunately our friendships were quite clearly of the "opposites attract" variety and truly lacked some of the practical, necessary ingredients for anything in terms of a long term relationship. That coupled with honesty/openness allowed each other to face the reality that we really wanted to be friends but to keep boundaries. On the other hand, when you've seen each other
naked, there's a surprising openness and honesty in the friendships -- no need to sugarcoat words as often, each person accepts the world as being less "black and white" than traditional friends think, and so forth.
One of the ways that Sam and I kept the boundaries was obviously to put sex off the menu. One suspects (although I cannot speak for the other person at this stage) my other friend and I will soon come to the same conclusion in the future.
Aside from the difficulty of potentially one person wanting things further than a friendship, even if one truly stays as friends with a WL, there are still lots of social challenges to that friendship per se. This is something I definitely intend to explore in future posts.
Interesting, our view of friends versus close acquaintances & people with whom you have some loose connection with appear to be very similar.
DeleteThe exchange has prompted me to revisit a quick post I wrote a while back about the "intensity addiction" that is part of my connection with the sex industry.
Trust me, keeping to the boundaries is important to avoid serious tears before bedtime ! In one situation we made several switches between professional/friend/sex/no sex until it became a confused problem for both. Luckily we knew & trusted each other well enough that we returned to friends without sex.
I've been through other situations where one or both parties crossing the boundaries created havoc !
The challenges and barriers are far easier now that I'm single but sadly for me the one I fell for the hardest was back when I was still married & for all the wrong reasons stayed there until long after the friend had moved on in her life.
I have a very similar approach to friends compared to close acquaintances !
ReplyDeleteThe friends I have made through the industry have been of the truest kind & that includes being brutally honest with each other when it is time for one or both to move on. I've always meant to revisit the whole situation, I vaguely recall a post something like "intensity addiction" which touched on it but that was a fairly brief & simplistic snapshot.
Trust me the keeping to boundaries is the best approach, I've been through the blurred boundaries of friend/client/free/paid/sex/just friends ........ It always ends in tears.