The Implications of Calling a WL or Ex/Current Client a Friend
Here's a simple but potentially explosive challenge to those on both "ends" of this industry liable to quickly address a WL or client whom one has seen/continues to see professionally as being a "friend": have you really thought through the implications of this word and whether some of the necessary qualities of friendship can really apply if you continue to see each other professionally?
Regular readers will know about my friendship with L, an active working lady whom I first met as a client. We elected the moment we recognised each other as friends that all "professional contact" between us would end... permanently. The reasons behind this decision have been well-explored in my previous few posts so I won't repeat them here. Our particular choices within our friendship and a few recent posts on AdultForum by various people wanting to look for previous WLs with whom they apparently had some special sexual connection (in the hopes of developing a friendship), and posts by others addressing WLs that they have seen as "friends" have gotten me started on thinking about whether one can really be friends with a provider that one continues to visit professionally. The same question applies in cases where one seeks to re/further connect with another industry participant solely/mainly on the basis of some previous actual/perceived sexual chemistry during bookings.
My strongly held view is "no". Most regular participants in this industry would have had a well above-average number of sexual partners and experiences and a bit of honesty is in order. How often does "ordinary" people have sex with you the way that providers do? The answer is likely to be "not very". If I am right, this suggests that however much some genuinely good providers try, an element of illusion is inevitable in money for sex exchanges. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, since there is value in honest and open exchanges of this sort.
But if friendships are built based on trust, mutual/unconditional acceptance, and open communication, is this REALLY compatible with sexual exchanges containing embellishment, elements of fantasy, and the knowledge where time and company is being exchanged for money. My point here isn't that people should rush to have sex with all and sundry. The issue is whether having sex with someone against the usual background that sexual exchanges within this industry operate in (with its attendant connotations and usual "rules of the game") is really compatible with a true friendship? When one has sex professionally with a "friend", which part of him/her are you with during the sexual acts? His/her "real" self or the sexual alter ego?
Consider also the reluctance of members of recognised professions to mix professional advice/conduct with friendship. I can guarantee you that very few surgeons would place themselves in a position where they would give professional advice to a real life friend on whether to go for surgery in 50/50 cases.
In cases where people are seeking other industry participants out to rekindle any actual/perceived connection in the room, I am afraid the dangers seem even greater. And what this author wrote about the necessity of open communication in respect of one's end goal/expectations seem all the more pertinent. If someone wants to "reconnect" with me, solely or mainly based on how they perceived me in the room during a booking, I really would want to know what they have in mind. And are these people ready to confront the realities of what accepting someone as a friend means, if their main motivation is to rekindle the sexual sparks?
What do you think? Am I being too black and white?
I have really enjoyed reading your posts and have found them thought provoking. This one post (and the next post) particularly has made me think more about the relationship I have with the lady I see regularly.
ReplyDeleteI think that we have a friendship, but are we really friends? We share personal dreams, concerns, issues, and seek advice from each other. However, due to our personal circumstances I know that we will never see each other outside the professional relationship that we have. So while I would like to see her as a friend, it is hard to see our relation as one of true friends.
Thank you for your kind comments, Darryl. A fascinating comment indeed in relation to your relationship with your WL friend/associate.
DeleteI guess based on my working definition of friendship, I wouldn't classify you and your WL friend as "friends". But that's not meant in any way to belittle the undoubted mutual pleasure and intensity that you two share. It merely says that my working definition doesn't fit with your situation. What does impress me, however, is that you two appear to be very honest and realistic with each other as to your situation. If this arrangement works happily for the two of you, I say carry on and stay happy.
But if you don't mind me asking (and assuming obviously her and your discretion permit this conversation to continue), do either of you wish you can have a more "traditional" friendship outside of the professional setting? Assuming that you are both willing, one side of me honestly can't help but say "Give it a go!", even knowing how emotionally challenging and fraught with difficulties such a friendship can potentially be. The potential rewards (bearing in mind my own very narrow range of experience) does seem to me to be potentially so great - you're friends with someone with whom you have shared so much and industry participants tend to be so much more physically and emotionally open to new experiences and different viewpoints.
It is an interesting question that you pose Curiosity. I will try and answer it as best I can while being as discrete as I can, so I may not get the whole picture across.
DeleteWould I like to have more of a “traditional” friendship then the current relationship? Yes I would. While I have not talked to her about this, I know enough to know that for both of us this would be very difficult, if not impossible, due to both of our personal circumstances. All of the people I have met in the industry (like you a narrow range of experience) I have found to be, without exception, amazing people, open, direct, and always interesting who challenge my view of the world. People, who l have enjoyed meeting to would be honoured to have as friends.
Also, as I cannot have what I would like, I have been struggling with what is the best next option.
So, where too from here for me in the relationship? You have given me something to think about. I see that the rewards, of true friendship, would be great. I’m scared if it is not what she wants, or upsets her, and then asking could ruin what we currently have.
Thanks for making me think about other options.
Hi Darryl,
DeleteI certainly understand your need for discretion. I detect two dilemmas going on. The first is you aren't sure whether the lady might want what you want and the possible consequences of asking her. On this front, whilst I don't know all the facts, I can at least say this: in view of the apparent understanding and mutuality you already have going on, she is unlikely to be terribly offended should you ask politely, even if she ultimately doesn't wish to pursue things as you might wish.
This is provided that you make it clear to her that it is entirely her decision to say "yes" or "no" and that you would apply no pressure and give her space to decide. Even if she says no, I would hope that she would at least appreciate your honesty in going "heart to heart" with her in terms of being honest.
As for the real life constraints that would constraint and/or govern any sort of friendship between you and your lady (if one develops), I certainly empathise. It might be actual/perceived commitments to real life partners getting in the way, it could be distance, or whatever else. But I would again point out that I do think it's normal (and right) for people to have genuine opposite sex friendships, even if how you two met is unusual or even morally controversial.
It might be difficult to fit your friendship within existing circles and, in the case of L and I (for example) I am certain we can never do this without telling lies. And real life constraints do prevent us from having as much time together as we might want but when you have a genuine friendship, you will know that whilst constraints can be annoying, nothing can break the genuine bond of concern and caring that exists between two friends. Society might not approve of my friendships with L and Erin but I know our bonds are real.
Perhaps my next blog post (which hopefully will be finished tonight) will be of interest to you as well.