How much to say and how often
I confess to struggling a lot with the issue of how much and how often to say to L that I care about her. This problem is far less troubling in respect of my friendship with Erin simply because we have to face each other daily at work even if we rarely work together. We get to go out for lunch together, share jokes in person, have idle chit-chats whilst waiting for a beverage, and can quickly squeeze the hand or pat each other on the back when things become too much etc. In short, sometimes a lot of the concerns/emotional connection are just seen, understood and/or felt. It's not my usual way of operating but Erin has very slowly and subtly helped me understand it. And I never would have previously admitted it: it can be far more effective than my usual MO, as seen below.
Things are different with L, especially since she is very busy lately with her working life as an escort, which has resulted in us having little in-person interaction. This hasn't been helped by my own difficulties of dealing with the health difficulties of people very close and dear (thankfully now all resolved) and an assortment of other crazy issues.
So in the interim L and I have tended to communicate by texts very regularly. With smartphones these days it's fairly easy to generate a pretty substantial block of texts in little time and I find that I am prone to sending fairly lengthy (for texts anyway) and quite emotive outpourings of gratitude, concern and praise for her. What inevitably follows are doubts on my part about whether these things are potentially too much of an emotional baggage or liable to be misunderstood. I suspect I often write rather intense texts of these nature because in some ways I fear telling how much I care about somebody to them in person - for some reason I am always a tad hesitant to look into someone's eyes intently and to talk to them that way. And I also fear being seen as uncaring, with previous experiences perhaps having scarred me -- although on closer reaction I do wonder whether those who expressed such sentiments about me really expected too much.
Regardless, I am always impressed by L's understanding approach towards my quirks and her willingness to provide a different perspective to my various issues and problems. But the greatest gift she and Erin have given me is what I would describe as emotional availability.
So you think you are friends or more? When did you really go out of your way for each other?
Yesterday, I was essentially thrown under a proverbial bus by someone that I used to consider a close friend and colleague. Although no actual damage to me has/will be done by this attempt, it hurt. All the more when I had spent plenty of time considering whether I could have/should have done more for this former friend. It was during this difficult period that I sent a couple of texts to L and again she replied. It wasn't a big treatise or attempted "pick him up" but it gave me a few reminders about what I should think about and, most importantly, implicitly told me that she cared and was listening.
I really can ask nothing more of her than that. She was doing this whilst she was busy managing bookings (which are very important to her now) and she still made herself available to me. In many ways, my friendships with both L and Erin have developed during times of uncertainty for all of us, with all sorts of personal upheavals and practical issues intertwined. But what I've understood out of this period the most is how precious it is for us to make ourselves emotionally available just to quickly talk (in whatever way) or to provide others a bit of comfort. These two don't know each other from a bar of soap (and won't unless both desire to meet) but both have had a huge impact on my life during this period.
Whilst I don't think I can ever entirely stop trying to write out my feelings all the time, they have both taught me another approach to relating to people in a strong and emotionally supportive way: just being available but without so much explicit emotional intensity.
In light of how my friendships with these two and L especially (since she continues to work) have developed, I really have to further question the claims by WLs who constantly identify punters who pay them as friends. I really struggle to identify with someone as being a friend unless I can give a damn (and much more) about their emotional upheavals and personal difficulties just because of these being linked to them. More importantly, I really expect nothing in return or do not expect to impress them in anyway so as to advantage myself down the line.
ReplyDeleteIn other words, to an extent I expect to plunge in and care about someone, without any certainty as to whether things will necessarily turn out wonderfully. I care because the person is a friend - nothing more; nothing less.
Very good point. I've had quite a number of "close acquaintances" with people from the industry over the years but very few where it is true friendship to both parties. I still care a lot about the close acquaintances but developing the mutual trust and communication with someone in the industry when you both have "other lives" is especially hard to develop let alone sustain over extended periods.
DeleteIt's hard but not impossible & takes the special people with the traits that bring many of us to the industry shark tank