"It's great that you want to open up to people but remember to run the moment you suspect she's nuts!"
This is what my best friend said to me in respect of my friendship with L. My best friend has multiple post-graduate degrees from top end universities overseas and works in a very challenging field. In general, she is highly open-minded, objective, and not prone to prejudices. She genuinely doesn't believe that being a punter is a big deal, one way or the other. Yet the moment I mentioned becoming friends with L, the immediate response that emerges is one of concern for my well-being and the possibility of my being exploited one way or another.
Unfortunately, stereotypes about this industry and the providers are highly pervasive (and usually wrong) but I've also learnt one thing: people who express such sentiments sometimes do so out of very genuine concerns for those they hold dear who play within this pond. To dismiss the actual intensity of their concern is pure folly. One does hope to try and ease their fears somewhat with facts and by promising to take the appropriate cautions. Obviously introducing them to the person can be a good strategy for easing my friend's concern but I also have L's privacy to consider and nothing will happen without her agreement.
So no action on this front so far.
A Few lessons learnt
As for what I've particularly learnt out of my friendships with these two lovely ladies, here goes a few quick points:
- I've learnt a lot more about myself - I used to assume I am introverted and prone to preferring reason over feelings and that I prefer to "reason" over the feelings that I have. Although this description still largely applies to me, my friendships with these two have made me more aware of how there is, in reality, a gradation of every kind of relevant emotional/psychological characteristic. In fact, I am also quite controlled by my own feelings - for example, I found my recent disagreement (see the previous post) with Erin to be highly distressing and for a while really tried to address our issues without really understanding her concerns. That failed miserably until I really realised what went wrong. On reflection, this kind of behaviour isn't new and I have tended to "rush fix" distressing disagreements with friends and people I care about in the past. This was truly a personality flaw of mine that I didn't really grasp until now.
- I've become much more tolerant - because of how equal our modes of meeting were, neither of these two appear as interested as my other friends in coddling some of my quirks. For example, L practices a much more relaxed/asynchronous (she tends to prefer to text unless we are meeting) style of communication that's more in tune with her own timing than my own "Rush to meet the phone and reply ASAP" style. For a while I did find it a bit frustrating but in time I've come to understand why she does what she does. She certainly stays much more sane than I do anyway!
- Both of them are much more straightforward and blunt when it comes to telling me that I am wrong - Erin in particular has said that since there's not much about each other that we don't know physically and also in terms of embarrassing quirks, we might as well try and be honest. It has led to a few fairly pointed observations about me by both of them and they have been both confronting and surprising occasionally. But I truly think I've benefitted. More importantly, I appreciate their trust in me by believing that I can handle the truth.
Overall, I think I've had to re-evaluate some of the lenses through which I see the world over the last couple of months. Things aren't always easy since the changes in our relationships/friendships have occurred quickly and we are ironically only building some of the normal foundations of friendships now. Although atypical, these certainly have been worth it.
I'm envious. The kind of conversations & challenges laid down by Erin & L are those I learn from.
ReplyDeleteMy fault to a large degree that I've shut out some I've encountered who used to communicate me in a similar manner, partly because I have at least for now chosen to not seek out such addictive companions & acquaintances on life's grand journey.
Those who remain close are treasured even though I increasingly question the value I return.
I've increasingly re-evaluated the lenses through which I see the world and and have long since felt less comfortable with some of my perceptions as well as older posts. But the past is the past and it is how I move forward that I will be judged by those who matter not how I have made my past mistakes.
Be safe & well Curiosity, you travel a good path with people who will teach you well.
Hi Voyager,
ReplyDeleteInteresting comment indeed. I recall your various discussions re: your intensity addiction and wonder whether this might have contributed in any way to your choice to withdraw from some of these lovely people somewhat.
I guess in my case, maintaining the kind of friendships that I have with those two have been made considerably easier by their different (but complementary) nature to me. I can be very, very intense and one of the biggest personal weaknesses of mine is the tendency to constantly express (and repeat) the very intense, personal emotions that I feel towards those that I care about. Some people can find this all far too intense but those two have been very understanding whilst also remaining very prepared to do what's necessary to protect themselves and keep sane. In L's case, she's a texter and we usually communicate not in real time and Erin certainly practices her own "de-intensification" techniques on me also.
Again, I'll confess that these have been valuable learning experiences. They show through their actions and the occasional words their understanding of what I am trying to do but don't indulge my preference for emotional intensity. I think I've become a more rounded person as a result of knowing them.
Don't be too hard on yourself in terms of how much value you return. For friendships especially people do tend to genuinely choose to hang around those that they deem to be worth it, rather than fall victim to familiarity and circumstances. I am sure you offer plenty to your friends.