Grief

The end

I awoke to horrible news that an ex had died whilst on an adventure overseas. She died doing what she loved most but the shock is completely paralysing. I tried to go to work, made it to the usual café that Erin and I frequent and just broke down. What is so difficult about having buried a very unusually high number of friends (from suicide, accidental deaths, and illness) as a relatively young person is that I increasingly no longer believe that things can/do get better.

My ex and I did not have a long relationship. She came to NZ to study from another country. We grew close quickly after meeting at university and it was her absolute commitment to justice, making others' lives better whilst staying completely clear-headed about the monumental failures of the world community in terms of doing what is needed to pull so many out of abject misery that I found so attractive. She came from a background where she could easily have (through family connections) bought her way to a place to any Ivy League university (she would be intelligent enough to succeed in those). Instead her spirit of adventure took her down to a little country at the southern tip of the world. She really put herself out there in life, sacrificed for good causes, and offered almost everybody she met 110% - in a world where so many people think a few exhibitionist lines of communication on a Facebook wall passes for caring, she was truly different.

We dated quickly but also agreed to end things fairly soon after. She found what was an irresistible opportunity for her to combine her passion for adventure, travel, along with genuinely helping others, whereas travelling and adventure for me tended to me just going to a few urban areas of well-trodden places and then returning home days/weeks after. Tears flowed, heartfelt best wishes were exchanged, and we kissed each other goodbye. That was a few years ago and I have since re-partnered and am in a healthy, long term relationship.

Some people deliberately try very hard to forget their exes and to exclude them from their lives. In our case, we constantly stayed in touch via e-mail and the odd phone calls. I won't pretend that we were insanely close but there was (and there still will always be) that genuine bond which has never dimmed.

K's demise appears to be a horrific accident but she took a decision to sacrifice herself to absolutely guarantee the survival of another person, instead of "hanging on" and potentially putting both of them out of this world. There are lots of well-meaning but ultimately exaggerated labelling of people as heroes and heroines. But in this case, the course of action she chose was truly heroic. When the ultimate test in life came, she passed with flying colours.

Today I've fluctuated between letting the tears flow, putting a blanket over my head and just hoping that reality will not intrude, and simply blindly starring into the walls of my house..... just trying to go on, one minute at a time.

Grief and friendships/relationships don't always mix

I mentioned that Erin saw and experienced my breakdown. I regret to say yet again that in moments of pain and grief, I have hurt another human being. Well-meaning expressions of concern got her barbs of pointless, passive-aggressive outrage. Somehow being angry alone isn't going to bring K back but my heart didn't care. Again, I was in the wrong and within a space of about 45 minutes I managed to hurt two people (including my partner whose attempts at comforting me received similar treatment) who only wanted to empathise.

I really don't handle grief well at all, especially not as a person who also suffers from acute bouts of depression which is largely very-well hidden from most but fully-disclosed to people that I trust and also those smart enough to see through my façade. And I suspect this toxic mixture has also impacted on my reaction to a current disagreement I have going on with my other friend from the industry, L. She made a mistake and I think I am justifiably annoyed about it but the way I have gone about expressing my views again is unhelpful.

A certain well-known WL on AdultForum had discussed the desirability of a memory twink (a term for correction fluid for non-New Zealanders).... how I can do with some right now. The coming week will be pretty difficult as I suspect things will become particularly bad when I have to decide whether to attend an overseas memorial for K. Don't know if I will be able to handle it.

Any suggestions short of just drinking?