A (continuing) search for authenticity

Talking About Yourself

In general, I am not a huge fan of talking about myself. Yet I reflected upon one of the original purposes for starting this blog yesterday and came to a few conclusions. The major one is that I can't plausibly talk about how participating in this industry has changed my views on sex and all the related things without revealing (to an emotionally safe and discretion-minded extent anyway) a little bit about myself and what drives me.

Me

I am young enough to be described as a "young professional"  but no longer green-eyed to the extent that I will buy into any of the clichés about life and the world that afflicts your average university graduate. In my working life I have been (and continue to be involved in) two regulated professions, one of which most parents will be very proud to have their son being a part of. How I live my life and the lenses through which I view this world are hugely driven by the (continuing) influences of four women: my mother, my partner, and my two best friends, both of whom are females.

I am in a long term relationship with a woman who is also a professional. We haven't known each other long enough -- let alone having been together -- for long enough to hit double figures but although we love each other to bits, we have accepted (and are truly comfortable with) being more like life partners than intense lovers of one another. I love my partner (and vice versa) because of the intensity of our shared experiences, her character, that she will have my back always, and I admire her intense devotion to those for whom she is required to care for professionally and personally. It is because of this respect for each other that we made our joint decision to have a non-exclusive (in a sexual sense) relationship to fulfil our physical and emotional needs that we cannot necessarily fill via each other alone.

Apart from obviously really loving my mother and her having had (obviously) a huge influence upon my past and present, I won't talk too much more about her here. However, my relationship (in the broadest sense of the word) with my two besties, one of whom in an absolutely ideal world I would choose as my lover, perhaps best illustrate the values and themes that really underlay my life.

A search for authenticity amidst the pull between logic, reason and intense passion

I don't believe in God, at least not in the sense that usual adherents of the three Abrahamic, Middle East-originating religions believe in Him/Her. I certainly do not believe in an after-life. Although I have no way of knowing when I will die, I live with the certainty that when I depart this earth, I will do so in great debt to my two best friends, debts which I have no hope of ever repaying. One of these two is someone with whom I have "hooked up", to whom I have declared (and vice versa) my immense regret over how certain pragmatic considerations (e.g. things as simple as her wish to be a nomadic traveller versus my desire to be more grounded in one place) have prevented our otherwise intense love/passion from developing into a relationship. Yet we have accepted nothing will/ought to happen between us relationship wise. Her willingness to accept and manage this emotionally complex dynamic between us and remain by my side -- either in spirit or physically -- for nearly about 1/3 of my time on this earth, plus providing my partner with enormous love as a friend also, means that I am forever in her debt.

My other bestie is a person who has had to suffer far more than any person ought to have to face. Yet in spite of it all she has maintained a positive attitude and has tolerated my numerous faults and supported me through my worst downs as an adult. More importantly, she is the one person in my life who is prepared to strongly challenge my at times over-inflated ego and to demolish my bubbles in ways that are both kind yet devastatingly effective.

Through them I have learnt that human emotions can be a huge mind fuck yet we can choose to be more than a slave to our emotions that may otherwise cause us to lie, to "cheat" our loved ones and others, or worse. Therefore, in my eyes logic and reason tells me that you can have intense emotions and passion without being consumed by them all. And, more importantly, there is something highly worthwhile in taking that kind of passion seriously as an authentic aspect of one's being.

Casual sex as a model form of authenticity

In my eyes, when two adults consensually engage in a bit of casual fun (paid or unpaid), so long as a sufficient degree of honesty and expectations management is in existence, it is one of the purest forms of authentic expression of a kind of love (in the broadest and non-romantic sense of the word)  and respect for your fellow humans. There need not be conflicting or mutually-exclusive goals, nothing exists to cover up physical imperfections, no suggestions of any further entanglements unless both people so choose, and lots of physical and emotional vulnerabilities to potentially expose.

In short, I have casual sex more than just because it makes me feel good physically. These acts really are some of the very few occasions in life where I genuinely feel liberated and authentic before another human being.


.... to be continued