Some Reflections on My Friendship With L

Just some random reflections on this friendship, plus some hard hitting truths served up to me by L, especially in view of our first ever long sit down and talk this weekend.

• Erin's working definition on boundary crossing is very useful - what L really got across to me is no matter how authentic she or any decent WL tries to be/cares to be, the alter ego that has fun with you in the room has at best a limited part of the "real" her in it. Therefore, for any one in this situation (at either end of the stick, so to speak) to make a truly authentic human connection requires at least one or both people to actively seek to cross the boundaries, with all the attendant risks and potential consequences.

• Not every WL is some kind of nymphomaniac - I was told that L has very little sexual contact with men outside of work and desire little of the drunken/crazed casual hook-ups that essentialises the NZ hook-up culture. The simple fact appears to be that sex, intimacy, and everything else that is connected is not always a simple matter of "I am a WL and therefore I must love/want lots and lots of sex!". Surprise, surprise - real life sometimes has a way of dashing people's fantasies.

• Sexual sensuality/physical openness in the room should not be confused with all round emotional "availability" - I have straightforwardly told L that I consider my sexual experiences with her to be some of the most physically sensual and most remarkable that I have ever experienced. Her physical openness/responsiveness was truly remarkable. But what I quickly discerned is that, like any other human being, she has the same struggles/reluctance as most in terms of opening a window into some of her own thoughts and feelings.

• This friendship is worth it but hard work will be involved - this guy has no words to describe how impressed I was with L's all-round maturity, compassion, and sheer depths of insight on so many things. I am very occasionally bit of an insufferable, arrogant p***k but I'll readily admit to being humbled on more than a few occasions. But in some senses, how we got to know each other is entirely "backwards", i.e. we got physically intimate first then are now trying to learn about each other as people. This poses its own difficulties especially when it is probably a mixture of our very similar ethics/outlook on life, plus a degree of unexplainable human "connectedness" that are pulling us together. You don't want to assume you really know things about each other yet but I especially do feel a very nice sense of closeness. Everything must be approached with caution on my part especially, when how we met clearly still leaves her emotionally vulnerable/wary.

• Giving up on having sex with her is piss easy - she has of course given me the "no more bookings, ever" talk if we are to be friends. Her rationale is fairly simple. [Her working name] is a construct and I can't expect to try and know her as a "real" person and discern her inner feelings whilst expecting to do the physical act with her like she was her alter ego. I couldn't agree more. And in my own case being in a stable life partnership (and me and my partner's casual sex outside of our relationship being entirely negotiated by agreement) has meant that I have always promised my partner that in the most unlikely event that I become friends with a hookup, we will cease to have sex.

         

• I will always have found memories of my time with [her working name/alter ego] but these are just memories now. Swapping the chance of sleeping with her alter ego for a chance to build a hopefully lasting human connection and to be inspired by her thoughts and character is a no brainer.

• Like any friend, you worry for someone in this line of work - whilst I maintain that sensible, "done with a plan in mind" participation in this industry by people who know how to look after themselves emotionally and physically is overall a good thing, hearing from L and knowing how punters are myself makes one realise that the "Oh how sweet all my clients are. Xoxo" talk on the internet are just acts. No, there is no point in crazily worrying that she will be a victim of something horrible. On the other hand, it's not all bad nor peaches and cream. But I truly think she is better equipped than most to thrive in this industry, especially with her own chosen working patterns/style.

• You really can learn from people that are quite different from you - We largely confined our talk to our respective ethics/beliefs and other related matters. What really impressed me is how right L was about how much richer life can be when you try and open up to different types of people and get to know each other for different sorts of reasons (e.g. some people for joint interests, others for emotional support etc) instead of simply searching out people who are of similar emotional intensity or "types", as I previously usually did.

The road to self-discovery via someone very interesting continues....