Erin on Boundary Crossing

Okay, the creeps did not manage to scare away Erin yet. She is back with some thoughts of her own on "boundary crossing" in provider-client relationships. Without further ado here goes (disclaimer: there has been slightly heavier editing than usual for clarity and privacy preservation reasons - Erin has as usual approved the final draft).

Definition and my own experience as a boundary crosser

"Boundary crossing" here is my own working definition because people should be clear about what this loaded term means to the person making the argument. For me it means (i) actions that are consensual (and/or not) by either a punter and/or escort; (ii) with a view by one or both to establishing a personal relationship between the two that is beyond the bounds of reasonable expectation within the "money for sex" context; and (iii) such relationship (be it a platonic relationship of any sort or a relationship) not being dictated by exchanges of money for company. So for example -- and I know others will disagree -- in my books the nice things I did for Curiosity did not constitute boundary crossing, since neither one of us intended any kind of relationship/friendship to emerge between us as a result. This woman just came to a poorly survival-trained man's rescue!

I know from experience and also have heard that clients initiate most attempts at boundary crossing and most of these attempts are not reciprocated. I will readily admit to having consensually crossed boundaries with clients/ex-clients on 3 occasions. The first is with Curiosity, the author of the blog, and this I will say was totally context driven -- as in I wouldn't have sought him out to "catch up" after I left the industry (and vice versa) -- we have chosen to try and make a go at a platonic friendship (ed: for those wondering, it has and continues to go well so far) because we might as well since we work very near to each other and have found each other to be good company. And jointly sharing and keeping a dirty secret is slightly exciting and funny :-)

I also personally offered a lunch date with a then client, let's call him Mark (who knows I am writing this). Mark had literally risked his safety and limbs to help me move my car which he coincidentally saw stuck on the side of the road in mud whilst out on a work trip nearby. It was a day with some of the heaviest rain I have ever seen in my 30-something years on this earth. His efforts rescued me at the further expense of totally ruining a good shirt and a pair of pants. He also happened to have been in a work vehicle that day and frankly once he recognised me I expected him to run.

To show my gratitude I offered to shout him a good lunch, which I did and also offered some vouchers to him so he could replace his clothes. I had always suspected that he did enjoy my company quite a bit and figured being single then there was no harm in asking him for lunch given the circumstances. The little tussle of hands between us over whether he must accept my vouchers was also amusing! Over lunch was that we established that we each were single (and he did not lie about this as I later learned), that we enjoyed each other's company, and I basically told him that he could have his way with me if he would book a hotel room that night. At the time I did not trust him enough to either go home with him or take him home. He did and not a $$ changed hands for my company. I did it because I want to and because he was willing. And not a thing would have happened without the rescue act since without the rescue act I would not have had that wonderful lunch with Mark.

That night was also the last time that Mark and I had sex. My personal boundaries were that either you pay to fuck me or I only "play" for free with casuals. He chose to remain friends with me and am I glad for it. To this day we continue to have a great platonic friendship and we are both still single!

The last person with whom I have crossed boundaries was "John". He was a very regular client and was always very gentlemanly during bookings. After over 10 bookings he offered lunch one day which I accepted. From my perspective I was prepared to give him a few hours for lunch to please a good client (in both personal and commercial sense). Unfortunately, he really had a lot of difficulties keeping his hands to himself and generally not acting like public places were the extension of my workplace's bedroom. After that lunch I was determined to tell him that I was no longer prepared to do anything beyond strictly commercial things again. Fortunately -- but definitely unfortunately for his loved ones -- I didn't need to do it since I learnt later that he had died in an accident.

Some myths busting

Whilst I enjoyed reading Curiosity and Yana's attempts at providing some social ground rules in considering/managing any boundary-crossings, some strongly stated statements from a former WL's perspective is in order.

1. Even as a non per se punter hating (i.e. a person who refuses to simply think bad of someone just because they are a punter) WL, who was also above-average in social openness/ extroversion, happened to be single at all times during my working life, about 1% of all the  punters who saw me got the boundary crossing treatment. For the slow, please read the bolded bits again and again.
2. In other words, guys who want friends or more should simply not bank on this with a WL in my experience.
3. I also agree 100% with Curiosity that serendipity is crucial. No ruined clothes and stuck car for Mark and I? My heart and head would never have been moved that way. I also offered Mark and John these things before I was brutally raped whilst working the second time. If the timings were changed, nothing would have happened.
4. The low amounts of time we spend with clients during our transactions  -- and the significant portions of those bookings during which we try to turn on the sensory sides of us and slow down the analytical sides -- mean that there are very real chances that both sides will make ultimately wrong calls on the personality of one another. This can mean "no way" to people that might otherwise turn out to be nice or, worse, going off to lunch or whatever with someone who turned out to be insufferable or worse.
5. But in my eyes what really goes against success in boundary crossings is what dooms most human searches for friendships or more. Most people are just not interested in becoming good friends or more with most people they meet.

Ultimately, I have few great insights beyond my experience and wanting to burst easy bubbles. If anyone does choose to do it then please keep your eyes and ears open, start slowly and with limited expectations. It can end well and in my case the strike rate has been okay but the nature of the working relationship really must mean that neither side is entitled to any expectations.